Notes from a Family Meeting is a newsletter where I hope to join the curious conversations that hang about the intersections of health and the human condition.
Really excellent piece. Those alexithymic doctors have to be absolute beasts in their field or it's better to move on as a patient. Trying to work out a serious illness with someone you are not resonating with is very hard, especially if there is a high level of ambiguity in the diagnosis or treatment pathway. I've created a mental map of alexithymia: family med < general internist < IM specialist; psychologist << psychiatrist and so on.
I appreciate the distinction between primary and secondary emotions and how venting can be helpful for primary emotions but unhelpful for secondary ones. It reminds me of the Buddhist parable of the two arrows. Sometimes in life, we get struck by an arrow (such as loss, illness, etc.). It’s painful, and there’s not much we can do about it. However, where we do have control is in avoiding or reducing the second and subsequent arrows. These arrows are self-inflicted, fired one after the other in response to the pain of the first arrow—like anger, guilt, rumination, blame, and so on.
Your advice to clinicians reminds me of Henry Nouwen’s words: “Healing is the humble but also very demanding task of creating and offering a friendly empty space where strangers can reflect on their pain and suffering without fear; and find the confidence that makes them look for new ways right in the center of their confusion.”
Really excellent piece. Those alexithymic doctors have to be absolute beasts in their field or it's better to move on as a patient. Trying to work out a serious illness with someone you are not resonating with is very hard, especially if there is a high level of ambiguity in the diagnosis or treatment pathway. I've created a mental map of alexithymia: family med < general internist < IM specialist; psychologist << psychiatrist and so on.
Wow! There's so much I love about this piece.
I appreciate the distinction between primary and secondary emotions and how venting can be helpful for primary emotions but unhelpful for secondary ones. It reminds me of the Buddhist parable of the two arrows. Sometimes in life, we get struck by an arrow (such as loss, illness, etc.). It’s painful, and there’s not much we can do about it. However, where we do have control is in avoiding or reducing the second and subsequent arrows. These arrows are self-inflicted, fired one after the other in response to the pain of the first arrow—like anger, guilt, rumination, blame, and so on.
Your advice to clinicians reminds me of Henry Nouwen’s words: “Healing is the humble but also very demanding task of creating and offering a friendly empty space where strangers can reflect on their pain and suffering without fear; and find the confidence that makes them look for new ways right in the center of their confusion.”
Thank you, thank you, thank you for your writing.
Thanks for your kind words. And the two arrows is an apt metaphor: so often we shoot at ourselves and others for what we're feeling.
The Buddhists and Nouwen were onto something!